By Craig Chappelon

I knew we were in trouble when my wife’s obstetrician looked at her somberly and said, “Sara, I am afraid I am going to have to put you in hospital on complete bed rest until the twins are born.” It was three months until her due date, and Sara was devastated. I know men are from Mars and women are from Venus and all that, but why is that such terrible news? Many husbands, while trying to console their wives, would be thinking, “Damn, it should have been me.” When I heard this news from the doctor, I mentally put myself in my wife’s place. I visualised myself reclining on one arm, like those slightly wounded soldiers in an old World War II movie, while my sweet wife bustled around me fluffing pillows and setting out chips and biltong. At great personal sacrifice I bravely follow orders for the good of our babies. I would do this by using my inner strength, my special love for my wife, and my TV remote control.

My wife is not exactly the bed rest type. As a busy executive, she is not used to staying put. She did, however, follow the doctor’s orders, and her hospital bed became the mobile command centre for our lives. I suddenly found myself on the receiving end of Sara’s to-do lists. My wife is an Olympic-class list maker. She comes from a long line of list makers. I am positive that if I traced her lineage back far enough it would lead to one of her ancestors preparing to board the Mayflower holding a quill pen and checking off items such as: pack shapeless black dress, clean blunderbuss, send thank you note to Brother Elijah for travel pillow. My ancestors, by comparison, were wondering at the last minute if there was an automatic teller machine on board.

While Sara suffered in her horizontal exile, this is how things worked: She would generate a to-do list for me and I would dutifully march off to begin work. I would return to her and proudly display my cross-off tasks, ready to be showered with admiration and affection. Instead she’d issue forth another to-do list. Visits to the hospital became increasingly stressful. I would divide my time equally between preventing our two-year-old son from pushing the “call code” button on the wall and reporting my progress on the latest list.

Many of you are probably thinking, “Stop whining, you had the easy part.” The truth is, bed rest puts incredible stress on both people. So in the interest of preserving marriages everywhere I have outlined some of the typical roles a husband should expect to fill should this happen to you.

Best supporting actor
This is one of the times in a man’s life when your job is to step gracefully out of the limelight. Expect everyone else to be completely focused on your wife, catering to her every need, and looking past you like you are not there. Much like at your wedding.

Press secretary
You will become the information conduit between your wife’s condition and the outside world. Be prepared for interrogation. Complete strangers will ask you for an update. Did the guy filling the chocolate machine just ask you something about your wife’s cervix? Prepare a mental list of generic responses to save you time and energy. For most well meaning inquires I recommend: “She is doing fine, the babies are doing great, thanks for asking.” To ward off particularly nosy inquirers, try giving them a graphic report using as many gynaecological terms as possible. This might require a research field trip to the library on your part. If done successfully it will result in the person smashing right through a wall, leaving a hole shaped like a person running, just like on cartoons.

Secret service agent
You will be expected to screen out her visitors and regulate who is and is not allowed to pass to the inner sanctum of her hospital room. Because it is a mysterious and complicated formula you must act on her direct orders only. Do not try to do this on your own. For example, her boss is allowed to see her without makeup, but a surprise visit from your touch rugby team or your parents would be a problem.

Philanthropist
This is a great time for you to act completely out of character and buy her something wonderful that she’s always wanted. Jewelry is the perfect gift to lift her spirits.

Straight man
As tempting as it is, resist the urge to use your wife’s situation to add material to your own amateur comedy routine. Upon looking at one of our ultrasound pictures I squinted at the blobs and smudges that were our twin sons and announced that it looked like a cold front was moving in over Gauteng. Sara did not appreciate the humor. There is a fine line between helping to keep your wife in good spirits and stepping on her swollen toes.

All’s well that ends well
Despite arriving 10 weeks early, our twin boys are doing fine. Sara is healthy and back to her old self again having recovered from this condition known as bed rest. As for me, I count my blessings every day for the gifts of my beautiful children and loving wife. I have to. It’s right there on my to-do list