Hi Claire, 

I have twin girls that are 13 months old and they recently started throwing really big temper tantrums. This is generally when they can't get something that they want, when one sister takes something away from the other.

We have received a lot of conflicting advice on how to deal with this. Some people say that because they are still so young they don't know how to cope with the emotions of not getting what they want and as such, they should be picked up and comforted. My concern here is that I am then sending the message that if they throw a temper tantrum they will get attention? Others say that the best thing to do is to ignore the child until they stop crying and then comfort them? They are also too young to understand timeouts, so we are at a bit of a loss here?

Do you have any advice on the best way to deal with these temper tantrums?


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Thank you for your email. I hear your frustration regarding your twins' temper tantrums.

Please read my piece "Managing two-year-olds" on my website. At 13 months of age your daughters are unable to express their feelings of frustration and anger in words, so they express their feelings in the only way they know how which is to scream and cry. It is especially frustrating for them right now as they do not understand why they have to share you with another little one. They are also at a stage where separation anxiety peaks, so they may throw a tantrum when you leave one of them, or walk out the room.

Knowing that temper tantrums are a way for little ones to express strong emotion and not "naughty" behaviour will help you to manage them with empathy and patience. Always acknowledge their strong feelings by saying: "I can see you're very angry right now. It's not easy having to share mommy/toy with your sister." Then try to meet their needs as best you can my picking them up if they want attention from you, having 2 of each kind of toy to avoid fighting over toys. Remember they are unable to share toys at this age.

Change the activity they are involved in by taking them outside to look at plants, for a walk, or read them a story, dance with them. Find calming things to do where you can give both of them attention. Ask for help from your nanny, partner and other family members so that one of the girls doesn't feel left out while you attend to the other one. Also separate the girls so that you and their father can give them one on one attention each day. Have dad, grandma read to one daughter while you take the other one outside to play and then do the same thing with the other child.

Changing nappies should be done quickly in a matter of fact way where the child is busy playing, if they do not want to stop their game or go to another room. Again acknowledge their strong feelings of protest at having to have their nappy changed and get it done as quickly as possible without entering into a power struggle with them. Say something like:"I can see you don't want your nappy changed, you are very angry, look how quickly mommy is changing it. Nearly over. All done. Thank you." If necessary put on an educational TV programme while you change their nappy.

I do not recommend time-out or any other kind of discipline. Please read my articles "Throw out the time out" and "Positive Parenting" on my website.

In about 6 months your daughters will begin using words to express their feelings and they will have fewer tantrums so be patient and tolerant and things will become easier.

Inspired Parenting. www.inspiredparenting.co.za.